I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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