Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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