Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
