Betty ford says i'm here all night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
