Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
