this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
