i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
