Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
