She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
