Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
