the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
our cab driver is having phone sex.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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