We're facebook friends in real life
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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