Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You're a waste of cheezeits
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
