When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
