i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
a search helicopter?!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
