Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
