I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
