Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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