It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
