you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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