I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
