i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
