His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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