we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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