i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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