don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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