youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
