I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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