I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
