Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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