I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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