I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
