New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
