I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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