Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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