I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
