i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
