my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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