remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
