I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
