So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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