I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
