wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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