We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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