I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
