glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
