you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
