They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
