i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
