This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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