I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
